Being a custodial parent is not an award. It is a privilege and an obligation. And it is one that can be lost if you don’t do what you’re supposed to do. What are you supposed to do exactly, you ask? Let’s see!
Providing information to the noncustodial parent. When it comes to this obligation, more information is always better than less information.
First, you are required to give the other parent full and unfettered access to the child’s educational and medical records. When filling out any form, be sure to list the other parent as such and to list them as an emergency contact. Stepparent should always be listed secondary to the parents of the child, no matter what. At the doctor’s office, be sure to list the other parent as a person who is authorized to have access to the child’s records and to talk to the doctor.
Second, you are required to inform the other parent of and and all activities and events of the child. This includes the date, time, and location of any medical appointments, as well as the date, time and location of school events and extracurricular activities. I highly suggest that you utilize a shared electronic calendar or a coparenting app. This way, you don’t have to text the other party every time that there is an event. You can simply add events to the shared calendar.
Third, you are both required to keep the other informed of your address and contact information, and “any and all pertinent information about the health, education, and welfare of the minor child.” This is a broad umbrella. If your child gets in trouble at school, or needs to start seeing a counselor, or anything else that you would want to know about your own child, then be sure to tell the other parent, and tell them in a timely fashion. No parent wants to learn this kind of information from someone else.
Fostering a relationship with the other parent. The judge expects the custodial parent to do their best to preserve and foster the relationship between the child and the noncustodial parent. This includes not only compliance with the court order, but actively encouraging the child to have a positive relationship with the other parent.
The first part is your obligation to enforce visitation, which means ensuring compliance with the court-ordered visitation schedule. You should have a copy of your court order handy at all times for reference. Keep in mind that your child does not get to decide if they want to go to visitation. You have to make sure they go, unless there is a “true emergency” like a health or safety risk for which you are willing to call the police and/or get an emergency order suspending visitation.
The second part is encouraging and reassuring your child that not only are they are going to go to visitation, but that they are going to be safe and have a great time with the other parent. Even if your child doesn’t want to go, the best thing you can do is to be positive about it. The opposite of this is called parental alienation.
Parental alienation can absolutely be a basis to lose custody and it is not something you want to be accused of. You would be shocked at the number of parents who say things to their children like: your mom/dad doesn’t want you, they don’t love you like I do, you won’t get do X activity because you’re with your mom/dad, we can’t go on vacation because of your mom/dad, I can’t afford X because your mom/dad didn’t pay child support. These things are not ok!
By the way, never talk to your child about child support. They should not even know that it exists. Even if the other parent is not paying child support, they still get to have their visitation. If you want to enforce your right to support, then contact us and we can help you. But do not unilaterally withhold visitation over child support.
Talking to the other parent. You should consult the other parent when making decisions involving your child. This might include where they’re going to go to school, if they’re going to get their tonsils out, if they’re going to be play football, etc. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree. If you are a custodial parent, then you get to make the final decision. But it is best to keep the other parent informed and at least listen to what they have to say.
If problems arise about your child, pick up the phone and call the other parent. Texting is fine for routine matters like pick up and drop off. But if something is seriously wrong or needs to be discussed, then by all means call the other parent and try to talk about it. You can always follow up with a text that says, “Hey, just confirming our phone call where we discussed X and decided or did not decide Y,” so that you do have a record of it. If you don’t want to call because you want your conversation to be recorded, then you can do that too.
I hope this gives you a better idea of how to be the best custodial parent you can be. When in doubt, you can always schedule a consultation with one of our experienced and professional attorneys so that we can give you advice about your particular situation. Good luck!